Monday, October 28, 2013

An Imagination Disaster

Batman: Do you know why I don't flush the toilet?

Me: Why?

Batman: It's because I do my imagination, and I think there's a monster behind the curtain, and if I make any sounds or move at all, I think it's going to come out and eat me and swallow me whole.

Me: I see.

Batman: And I'm afraid a monster made out of pee and poo is going to come out of the toilet and go all around the house making a terrible smell and chasing everyone. Isn't that a terrible monster?..... Why are you laughing? It's not funny! It's an imagination disaster.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Raising Batman is now featured on!

A few weeks ago I submitted this blog to be listed on, and my submission was recently approved!

I was kind of excited when I got the email. Success!

Now let me clarify one thing... I have no idea how significant this listing is. It's quite possible they say yes to everyone. In their FAQs, they claim they don't list everyone, but that could be some clever marketing going on there... who knows?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

How the Discovery Channel Has Failed My Kids

The Discovery Channel has failed my kids. So have National Geographic and BBC.

You can't produce documentaries that will enthrall my boys with amazing accounts of and prehistoric creatures and then not have the merchandising to back it up.

What's a mom supposed to do when her son wants a Postosuchus toy for Christmas? When he wants to be a Mosasaur for Halloween? When he wants a Megalodon t-shirt?

Batman's drawing of a Mosasaur

Sure, your documentaries are awesome. Because of them, I now know that the Quetzalcoatlus was the largest creature to ever fly. Deinosuchus was one of the largest prehistoric crocodiles to ever live.  And Guanlong is a lesser known relative of the Tyrannosaurus. Not because I've watched these shows, but because my son has watched them and shared his equally vast and obscure knowledge with me.

(Note: when I say that my son and I "know" these things, I'm of course using that term loosely, since these crazy paleontologists are always changing their minds. Was the T. Rex a predator or a scavenger? Make up your mind, peeps, or at least stop pretending like you know the answer.)

But the real issue here is not about how awesomely produced your documentaries are. The point is we have a real merchandising problem.

Monday, October 14, 2013

A List of My 1-Year-Old's Favorite Things

  1. Elmo
  2. Cookies
  3. Watching people blow bubbles with gum
  4. Climbing into his carseat all by himself
  5. Climbing up into the clubhouse
  6. Climbing anything
  7. Rocket (our dog)
  8. Throwing everything out of his crib and taking off his pajamas in the morning
  9. Milk
  10. Playing "trampoline" with someone who is lying on the floor
  11. Washing his hands
  12. Riding in the blue car
  13. Monkeys
  14. Puppies
  15. Things with wheels 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Adventures in Shoplifting

Yesterday was the worst day of the week. I don't mean that in the literal sense--it wasn't really a bad day overall--but I mean it in an official sense. Yesterday was grocery-shopping day, which officially makes it the worse day of the week from a parenting standpoint, regardless of how the week actually pans out.

For those who don't have kids, or have not had kids recently, or somehow manage to shop alone, let me make this simple:

1-year-old + rows and rows of food = spontaneous hunger-induced, stare-provoking meltdown

Looking so innocent, right?

It doesn't matter how many snacks I feed Drew in the car on the way to the store, he always sees something that he wants to eat. Immediately. In the cart. Usually I distract him by talking in an excessively chipper voice about the thing he's interested in: "Are you hungry? Does that look yummy? Should we bring that home? Okay, just a few more things and then we'll open it, okay? We have to wait."

Yesterday, however, while I was looking for the napkins in the paper goods aisle, Drew solved the problem of spontaneous hunger himself by reaching into the cart, plucking an apple from the bag, and chomping into it. Which pretty much amounts to shoplifting when it comes to groceries.
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